Almost 2 weeks ago I turned 21

Honestly, I love it but at the same time it makes me sad

Turning this age you realize you don’t have the risk of getting caught drinking underage or not being able to go out with everyone to the clubs and bars because you’re not of age yet.

There’s allot of hype being 21 but after that you’re just..An adult now

Revo

Honestly, on my birthday I realized that being 21 now, I’m a full on adult, I’m not a boy anymore (technically) so I have to start looking after myself and seeing what I want to do with my life because I’m just getting older now. In other words, time to start reaching some goals.

On my birthday everyone that means something to me showed up, I thanked everyone for coming, I thanked everyone that has once helped me for everything they’ve done for me. I did nothing but give thanks. My birthday should of been about me and it was all about me but I made sure to make it about everyone else too because some of the people that showed up have really helped me through so much in my life. I give thanks to all those listening ears and crying shoulders I’ve had to lean on, not many people even get that.

Lisa <3

My loves, Jayme Chace and Paige <3

Mom <3

from left Michale, Amanda me and RJ. Loves <3

Being 21 reminds me of how I wish I was little again. about 10-12 you get that feeling of how you wish you could go back to being innocent and playing on the playground with all your friends and just not giving a care in the world but it also makes you realize how far you’ve come and the age you’re at and what you’ve accomplished and what you’re yet to accomplish.

Talofa <3

Taylor <3

joseh <3

The pictures could go on and on, go on facebook to see more. facebook.com/piecesofjameson

I feel like new meat on the market from how everyone acts when I go out but I’m not new to this game so I’ve slowly been learning my limit to drinking what to do and what not to do when I go out because Vegas is just way too fast paced to be slow and patient with these experiences and people to let a disaster happen. I’ve been g0ing out so damn much that my throat was hurting like fucking hell the past 3 days. I feel allot better this morning but fuck, all that partying for a week straight really does catch up, just saying.

It’s been a wild ride already but most importantly everything has been going great. I’m starting completely new this year when it comes to everything. My conscious is clear, I’m single, I’m moving forward in life and I don’t need anyone or anything holding me back or putting stress on me this year. This year, it’s gonna be all about me because I know I need time to myself to experience life and everything it has to offer. Everything happens for a reason

The reason why I start by saying that is because coming from experience in a relationship I realized allot that happened that I did was out of just flat out stupidity because it wasn’t that I didn’t care what so ever because I really did care but I feel like sometimes you know something’s wrong but don’t think much of it because you tell yourself you’re not or you won’t ever be a certain type of person to do something but without realizing you get put in a situation or spot where you aren’t thinking straight or might just not have enough self control or control a situation at all and end up slipping and falling on your ass by whatever you do. Maybe it’s something you did, somewhere you went, maybe even something you said etc.

What I learned from this though is that some of us really are just weak when it comes to certain things and it takes experience sometimes to really slap you in the face and make you hurt and realize what you’re doing and how severe something you did or said could be to someone else. Everyone has feelings and a set way of thinking and if you don’t know how to coincide or cooperate then you’re just going to clash like a mother fucker.

If the person you’re with can get through things with you and help you see light and help you fix up a problem and forgive you for the shit you do, they’re fucking worth it. If instead they end up changing and breaking because of a problem then you’ve now realized what and who that person really is because of how they’re acting and what they’re doing and they really aren’t worth your time, you always want someone that’s going to bring the best out of you and not just think of their own feelings and how they feel but you want them to realize you have a problem and help you fucking fix it, not push you to the ground again or leave you there. If someone isn’t willing to treat you correctly or love you for you and love you for some of your flaws and see that you really are trying to change or have made changes then they’re not worth your time personally.

People don’t even know themselves or aren’t ready for something serious and if that’s the case then the relationship isn’t going to go anywhere. If you’re not completely happy then you shouldn’t settle for less because that’s all you’re gonna get.Sometimes you’re not the one and you have to accept that and move on.

I’ve just come to realize that all of us have issues and personal problems and need to be alone to re-evaluate ourselves before jumping head first into anything or making someone else deal with our shit or stupidity. I think you have to really look into the future and see if you could really see yourself with this person 5 years from now, forever or long term, however you’re comfortable seeing it. If you’re just fucking around and fooling around with people that’s your buisness but this post is mainly for those that are or have ever been serious about relationships.

The hardest part of everything is the fact you remember everything you did together, the happy times, where you went, that’s what kills you but all in all I really have realized that SOMETIMES, time doesn’t heal all it just makes the scar deeper. Some people can get over shit but others just really can’t and that gash will always fucking be there reminding you everyday to never make the same mistake again or to never get with someone like the last person..

“it all boils down to one quotable phrase, if you love something, give it away”

-Bright Eyes

everyone is beautiful even at their worst, it’s fascinating and to meet people even those with issues because it’s great to actually be able to try and help them and build something together and see where they might be fucking up at and hey, that might be the love of your life if they let you in to help them.

I see problems for what they are, everyone has the ability to do that we just choose to ignore it and keep running away from our secrets and problems and if that’s the case, keep em and keep running, eventually you’ll stop running and they’ll hit you like a bus, then you won’t have a choice. It’ll be like putting salt on a wound so better to confront your problems head on then run from them. Just saying

All I have to say to end this, is that, I really learned allot this year and have taken things allot more serious then I already do. I apologize whenever I hurt someone but I refuse to continue to blame myself for the way someone is becoming or acting because of something I did or said. You have to know who you are before accusing someone of something. If you’re not strong enough to hold your ground, stand up and take shit, then you’re not strong enough for a relationship you will just always know how to carry yourself and that’s as far as you’ll ever get..I thank everyone for the good I have learned and what they’ve done for me.

These 2 songs nail my feelings

Quote of the Day

“I don’t wish you the best of luck and I don’t wish you the worst, I don’t wish you anything, just picture yourself in an empty room in dead silence. That’s what I wish you, nothing. Because I don’t want wrong done to me or coming my way and I don’t want good done to me unless I deserve it. I don’t want a guilty or angry conscious anymore because of what I have to say or do say because my mouth is my biggest fucking weapon. It’s best to just not say anything to avoid any further conflict or negative energy, I just want the pain to slowly fade and move on..”

Yours truly

Bonding with Ephemera

So today was a big day for me since I went out and decided to purchase a Ball Python. To be honest I had been planning to buy one as soon as I got the money, to buy all the things I was going to need for it since a snake is very high maintenance when it comes to taking care of one.

You really have to be responsible when taking care of snake since you need to do so much to make sure it’s healthy happy and comfortable in it’s captive environment. I made sure to read all about them before getting one. lol

In case everyone is wondering what Ephemera means: Ephemera means something short lived or a type of memorabilia or collectible item

a snakes prey doesn’t last long when it suffocates it and not everyone owns a snake so I took it as something rare to have so I decided to name her it not to mention it’s a character in one of my favorite video games.

Bloodrayne 2: Ephemera

I know it might sound crazy but there were nights I couldn’t sleep because of how bad I wanted one. I really don’t understand what it was that triggered me to really really want one, it was mainly what a snake symbolizes and how they work that just fascinates me but to go as far as getting one is kind of extreme for me since Meow Meow has been my life for the past 3 years and continues to be my life lol. The only part of this I’m dreading is the frozen mice part..Having to thaw them out and fed em to her is tough cause I love all animals of any kind.

A snake is one of the oldest dated symbols even dated back in the bible when Satan came to Eve in the garden of Eden as a snake and tempted her to eat the forbidden fruit.

A snake symbolizes control, intuition, good luck, divine power and are always associated with some spiritual presense. Which makes sense that when a house is haunted you need to get rid of any snakes in the house because of the fact that any spirit will join with the snake. The serpent in general is a very powerful creature. Snakes normally only attack when they’re hungry. If you have a quick tempered defensive snake such as a burmese python then yeah I’d be scared of getting bit because those type of snakes don’t fuck around. A ball python is as noble of a snake as it gets to have. Snakes are extremely smart when it comes to encountering people or animals, they won’t eat anything that weighs more than it and will almost never attack a human just alert it to get away or it’ll run away. Like any dog or cat or any animal, if you don’t provoke them to harm you, they won’t.

What a Ball Python looks like

A snake is like any other animal they’re just a little more upfront about feeding because of the fact they don’t have any fucking hands or legs to reach they’re prey so they have to unfortunately suffocate it AND THEN eat it. It pisses me off when people think snakes are gross because of how they eat but if you think about it, just because your chicken in the freezer is cut up doesn’t mean you’re not eating something a snake would it, they just have to eat it as a whole.

Now lets talk about me getting one

So, I bought one on the 23rd of December, for starters, 23 has been the number I see EVERYWHERE all the time and has been a number I see and have payed attention to seeing around for the past 3 years now. So getting a snake on the 23rd of this month is a bit insane, I feel like it’s a sign and like there’s something I need to know about the fact of me getting as snake on the 23rd. Snakes bring important people to your life and good luck so maybe this is my luck? I don’t know, might just be wishful or silly thinking but it only makes sense that there’s a reason why I got one and why I got it on the 23rd of this month if 23 is pretty much my number.

Here’s a symbol that makes allot of sense when it comes to me

23 DAY NUMBER

The 23 Day Number person likes to experience everything in life.  If told ‘NO’, the 23 person will do just the opposite. Highly affectionate and easy to be with, the 23 Day person is witty and has a gift for communication.  Beware of temptations  -  drugs, alcohol, too much food, sex, gambling etc.
The 23 Day Number person is a socially popular energy.  As children they never sit still and are into everything.  They can be exhausting to watch when young.  They can excel in many different fields in their lives and are good at fixing problems others have given up on.  Those born on the 23rd excel in any job involving communication.

The people can be the most negative of the 5 vibration and these people may misuse freedom dangerously.  They can be very self indulgent where sensuality is concerned and it is also often to do with drink, drugs and gambling.

Snakes work like a team with people, since they can only see things or just heat patterns they can be guided and they will guide you as well, that’s where their intuition comes into play and yours as well. It’s a matter of energy exchange and vibrations that’s what makes having a snake so fascinating it’s like you feel it.

So yeah, I’m sure I’ll keep finding reasons as to why I wanted a snake as bad as I did and what it will bring.

So far, Meow Meow fucking hates her and tried creeping up on her when I had her on my bed exploring. It’s gonna take some getting used to for her since she’s a bitch and knows she’s Queen of the household but she’s gonna have to learn that there’s another HBIC in the house lol.

So that was my adventurous day of shopping and buying snakes for the new house.

I can’t believe how long its been since I last blogged..Dang, I’m way behind on this shit.

I guess I should start off by saying I’ve noticed allot has definitely changed since the last time I wrote and I’ve realized allot by just looking back on this entire year..

I’ve made a fool of myself about allot of things but I’ve learned from every mistake I’ve made this year. Change doesn’t come quick but when you put effort into it and allow yourself to change you realize allot and become more mature and smarter about situations. It’s a great experience when you understand it I don’t see why so many people are scared of it.

I’m no longer in a relationship and for the first time I understand what happens when you’re with someone for so long.

You begin to rely on this person for happiness and comfort and you become so sensitive to things because you revolve everything around love and care, you kinda become a big sap. Then things end and you fall on your ass and don’t wanna get up but you realize you have to be strong on your own all over again and that’s the shitiest part of it all so you have no choice but to get up or stay on the ground..

It feels like something gets stolen from you when you lose that one person you care about..You know that someone ran away with what was yours whether it be your heart or feelings, you know they’re going to keep it and it’s something you really cared about..Instead you know you’ll see someone else with it and it’s gonna break your heart when that happens if you still care..

It sucks big time and sometimes time heals everything but other times time just leaves a big void in your life as well.

It’s funny when you get asked about relationships because sometimes you’ll think WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY DOING TOGETHER? but that’s because it’s so easy to give advice but when you yourself are in the same situation it’s not that easy because you realize how tied your feelings are and how strong your love is so depending on the situation depends on if you have to be the stronger one and walk away or once again work on things..

I guess this has just all happened so I realize more about my life what all I need to focus on and what all I need to change about myself, I think I’ve wounded my character and need to repair some parts up to be happy.

I believe your character is a file. Whatever you do horribly wrong goes into that file and if you don’t take steps to make that easier to have it removed from your file it’s going to stay in your file and that’s where you get looked down to because then you become that person everyone watches out for and doesn’t like. You’re character is what makes you or breaks you and if you’re completely unaware of who you are or what you are then you’re gonna fuck up so bad that you get looked at as someone completely dysfunctional. Sure you shouldn’t care what people have to SAY about you but you should be a little worried about what they think because word of mouth gets around faster then the truth does and if you can’t handle yourself or know how to stand your ground you’re gonna get beat the hell out of.

I’ve made mistakes but the great thing about me is that I change and struggle to change more and more to become a better person so depending on what wrong things I do I’ll always do whatever I can to change and make things better and if I keep fucking up then I’ll keep trying. As long as you’re not dead you have all the time in the world to change.

You have to be a valiant, completely fearless and completely strong in what you do in order to move forward and show people you’re not scared and are the best you can be.

I’ve always been the one to defend people and be the one that stands in front because I know how to handle myself and know how situations play out and how they work and that won’t ever change because there’s so many people out there that beat on people that are weaker or just try to fuck with people because that’s their personality, that’s why I’m always there to back up whomever needs help and anyone that knows me will understand that about me. I’m frail and very easy going but when I dig my feet in the ground and bring out the horns, It’s on.

Capricorn

I’m not trying to sound full of myself I just hope we all learn and change for the better and learn to be the ones that stand up for others when they need help to help people out that might need us or just really can’t stand up for themselves. It’s all about give and take..

I talk too much about change, shit. lol

Quote of the Day

“Being too young is just an excuse because you’re only getting older, if you’re not changing then you’re not growing”

as some of you might know, I’ve had a pretty rough past with my sister, things haven’t always went the way we’ve thought they’d go and some people need more support and help from others. I’ve been there for her from the start, we had our explosive fights and such but as of the 14th we kinda made mends.I really don’t understand what got into me and what made me feel forgiving and accepting but the saying is true, DON’T FORCE THINGS TO HAPPEN, to push anyone in any direction, let them move at their own pace.That’s something I learned on my own and something I learned from one of my best friends’s mother.

See when you push someone to do something it only throws them off balance and when you force things to happen it only fucks things up more, sometimes you really just have to go with the flow, this was one of those situations.

I remember getting up early that day because I had to go pick up my little brother from where he was with them.They were trying to leave because they had a long drive home but secretly I’m sure it’s because they thought I’d be bitchy and quick to grab him or something so I just had my brother tell them to wait a little longer.

I decided to go to my store and pick out a pair of shoes for her.Just like me and half the world I know she’s had self esteem issues and I like to say that shoes are like the fairy dust to an outfit, to make an outfit just stand out and be really nice you need an amazing pair of shoes to go with it.So I bought her a pair of shoes to go out in so she could feel pretty and good about herself when she went out again.I went to where they were and gave her a note I had written to her that pretty much just stated that I know we fought and everything but I’ll never forget the times she stood up for me and defended me when I was little and so on..This is something major for me but I knew in my heart ever since the night I left home that I was going to talk to her again and fix things up in the future, forgiveness is tough for me but I know who truly needs to have that in their life and she’s one of them.It’s been a bumpy ride, but the storms settling.She taught me allot and there’s songs that take me back to when I was just a little kid and would go out with her or we’d listen to the radio and certain songs we’d like would come on like this one.

When someone can defend you and keep you safe while making sure you have fun, that’s real love.Fuck the past bullshit, everything happens for a reason.Regardless what anyone has done don’t ever forget the good fucking shit they’ve done for you EVER and if they’ve been the one to stand by you and be there for you, you remember that too when you think twice about forgiving them.If god’s willing to forgive you then you should be willing to forgive those that might of hurt you but helped you at the same time.

Something else big that I’d like to happen would be being taken as of July 16th by someone I’ve been crazy about for months now.Let me just say, the only thing I find funny is that….nevermind, I’ll wait till my birthday to say this lol.

I’m happy being taken, I always longed for someone that would love me as much as I loved them and be there for me whenever I need them and just try for me like I’d try for them. Pretty much a 50 50 type of relationship, not just me in it for the long run and them doing less the work, if that makes sense.

He definitely makes me happy and I’m glad the past is in the past and we can finally move forward step at a time this time.He’s the kind of guy that would give me and show me the world and I’d be the one to show him how it all works..He’s like my noah calhoon.I’d go into more detail but I can go on forever.

I’m difficult in relationships because my outlooks are very mature and extremely solid, but that’s what I’m here for, to teach people what’s right and wrong and how things work and why things fall in a certain order. Everyone knows how things work, no one just stops to think, that’s the problem.Anyways, I’m happy where I’m at right now, I realize I been beating myself up and trying to push myself hard in a direction without fully understanding some things and fully being comfortable, so again, I’m taking my slow ass time doing things to make sure I accomplish my goal at a certain time and make sure nothing comes in between it.

I guess maybe all of this had to take place before stepping foot back onto the ground? I feel like there isn’t much of a void to fill anymore, at least not right now, I’m pretty content.Let’s just keep things at this pace more, gotta stay optimistic, otherwise everything crumbles again. Lets see where all this goes

Love him (It's an earplug not a hearing aid lol)

It seems like a season of change this year instead of just late night party’s and such.It’s kind of exciting actually, change is something that keeps me moving, something I yearn for and keeps me happy lol.I like a stable solid ground but at the same time I like some adventure and major change and I seem to be getting allot of it recently which is making life exciting.

One thing that doesn’t seem to change though is DRAMA, I try not to focus on anyone other then myself but there’s just those people that are like pests in your life, it’s ridiculous the amount of energy they put into disliking you because the funny thing is, I just speak my mind and go from there if someone doesn’t like it, tough shit, they started it, I’ll just keep it going if they want.Everyone’s state of mind when it comes to problems is winning a fight, which is pathetic because that just says you’re weak as all fuck and need to feel victorious and don’t know what being a bigger person even means but people still want to throw that around to try and make you feel dumb, which doesn’t work with me.I know how shit works, trust. I don’t do well with stuck up people or annoying shits.I don’t care what the vegas stereotype is or which twink is the gayest, don’t include me in any type of shit because I’m definitely my own person and have my own life to live without douche bags or pointless people that don’t listen.Focus your energy on something more productive.

ps: I got new hair

I have been meeting some pretty neat people lately though, people that are worth talking to and being friends with.

Something everyone should learn though is that if you can’t handle the truth, then don’t start shit to where you don’t have to hear it.You can live your life being completely oblivious and dumb, that’s fine just don’t bring your shit to me cause I certainly don’t care to deal with stupid shit.

Aside from all the madness, life has been pretty comfortable

I’m in a comfortable spot right now and once I feel the ground isn’t shaky, I’ll be able to take more steps and move forward some more.Slow and steady wins the race

I recently got back into video games though, surprisingly enough.I haven’t played video games as much as I have been lately in YEARS.

I think it was well needed honestly, I’ve been so caught up in going out and surfing the web and finding new shit on here that I completely forgot about something I’ve loved doing since I was really little.Playing a video game to me is like seeing old pictures or listening to a certain song, it takes me way back because of how I was when the game came out and how crazy I was about it or something.I just feel like maybe it’s needed to get away from the internet more and stay in more like I use to and just get away.

I recently ordered final fantasy games from like years ago for the ps2 and recently started ordering psp games

I think I’m becoming a nerd again, but I don’t care, I miss this kind of stuff. lol

I kind of feel like it might be a sign as well..Lately there just seems to be allot going on and maybe this is a way of me just staying out of trouble staying out of stupid shit, not meeting many people and just isolating away from allot of unnecessary situations.It’s something little but when you look at it like this it just makes sense.

 I just have to say that I’m like super greatful for all the great people that ARE in my life and have helped me with allot and have cared for me genuinely and have seen what all has been going on with me and helped me gotten through everything.

Old birthday picture (shitfaced) but we're amazing Daverlie <3

I’m not as open as I use to be with my blogs from what I realize and I think it’s just because I want to keep some things really close to me and keep it personal cause of the severity.But I do appreciate what everyone has done for me.

I’ve learned that everything good you do in the world doesn’t go unrecognized, even if no one knows what good you’ve done what so ever, you’ll be rewarded in the end even better and whatever form it comes in, take it, don’t be an ungrateful shit and not find greatness in the littlest things otherwise you’ll just have a new lesson to learn.Real shit

Now with all this said, I’m going to bed, it’s so early, I haven’t slept and I have to be up by at least by 3pm to go see baby dolphins today!

I have more to say with days to come but as of right now, I’m beat

hope everyone’s 4th of July was great and hope the rest of this summer goes better and the change that’s happening keeps aiming in the right less painful direction.We all don’t want to learn things the hard way so just keep your eyes peeled for everything going on right now with all the change and drama in the air.

I remember watching the movie “Monster” a couple of years ago, when I first watched it I thought damn, what a sad story but just as of 2 days ago I remembered the movie and wanted to actually HEAR about how the case really went so I went on youtube and watched the biography on Aileen Wuornos.

Just from the information I know about the case and the movie I’m going to try to put it all together the best I can. I’m not trying to start controversy, I don’t believe taking someone’s life for money or anything of the sort is fair but I’ll explain why I believe there is change in everyone, even in the heart of a serial killer.

(Watch the beginning of the movie until it hits 2:28)

Allot of us strive to be famous and beautiful and rich because it seems so easy and fun..

I obviously don’t know EXACTLY who she was or if some important details in the movie were false or if the biography was changed around but from the information I know this is what I learned.

Here was a woman who wanted to be like all the other girls and the movie stars, pretty, wealthy, famous. She wanted to fit in just like everyone else..That’s what we strive for sometimes don’t we? to fit in, to look like everyone else just so we’ll get a little acceptance, just a little.When we don’t get any at all, that’s where people begin to change and where hidden anger comes from..

She chose to prostitute because it was easy, she could pretty much get anything she wanted from selling herself for money and she hoped that from doing that she might also find the love of her life.Someone that would love her for her and see past everything else..never happened..

After watching her biography I then learned that’s where her anger started coming from..She began to despise men, she would snap at any little thing because in her mind she thought those people were now out to hurt her, since everyone couldn’t stand her as it was and men only wanted to use her could you blame someone for thinking that they were just going to be out to get you? It makes perfect sense to me why she began to change for the worse.The biography goes to talk about how she was a sweet girl and how she had an angel face and such but behind all that there was more anger than anything..

She lived on the streets and hooked wherever she could for a decade or so and then soon began to kill people for anything she could get and for whatever money she could get out of them..

She didn’t go about anything right anymore because her mind had pretty much been corrupted with all the abuse she went through growing up and all the times she was turned down by guys and all the times she attempted to be happy but couldn’t for any little reason and on top of that no one liked her.

I don’t blame some of these people that end up going bat shit crazy but you have to have a mind to think with and have to keep pushing but some people aren’t as strong as others and don’t know how to go about things so they turn to whatever’s easiest because they don’t know what else to do..

Moving on

She then turned herself in to authorities and explained her case to protect her loved one, the one who stopped her from pretty much killing herself.

While in jail she discovered god..

This is where I explain why this all caught my attention

She confessed to him on paper, she said everything she had done, how many people she had killed and asked for forgiveness for everything she had done but that she would accept any punishment given to her because she felt she deserved it for everything she did.

So then this is all what all I gathered from this case

No one is perfect

Some of us are weaker than others, mental wise..

We all want to be loved for who we are and have our dreams come true

Some of us want to be famous and cared for

When life then challenges you and you can’t seem to work things out and break down and let everything go to waste, that’s when you become a different person.

So all in all

I believe she did get everything what she wanted..

She ended up repenting for all the wrong she had done, which made her a strong person in her last days because she was able to accept  the mistakes she had made and accept any punishment she was going to take, so I believe god forgave her for all that.

“Acceptance”

She became famous for the movie “Monster” which was all about her and her life story

“Fame”

She was then executed and was found gulilty for her crimes but knew she was going to a better place

“Happiness”

It seemed like this was all she ever wanted and she got it in her final days.I might be wrong, and have this all screwed up or very vague but this story just really caught my attention.

I tried to explain everything the best I could.

I remember blogging about things like this of the sort in the past, talking about how we will always get what we want, not in the shape or form you think sometimes but in the end you will.

I just still believe anything is possible with god.Regardless of whomever wants to preach that everything and everybody is going to hell and what not, I believe the ultimate judger is god no matter what you do.If people go around shouting they believe in Satan and post all these  stupid upside down crosses and baphomet heads, then everyone believes in god already because there can’t be good without bad.

I’m not trying to be cynical or sound like I know everything but this is just what I think and what all I’ve seen happen and this case was just an eye opener for me because of how everything I’ve learned growing up about life just clicked with this story and really made me feel like I am right about my beliefs.I might be wrong in some aspects but I believe this story was like a reassurance that I am on the right track and should stay on it. It also felt like sometimes you in fact can find the good in bad. Cause this case was obviously a scary bad one but I learned something important from it.If anyone knows me, they’ll know I always see past the bad and try to find the good in everyone and make sure no one feels less of themselves..

It’s things like this that really get you thinking about life in general and where you’ll be 10 years from now or if you’ll still be the same person..

I hope I don’t sound crazy, hope everyone knows where I’m coming from with all this and if I’m wrong about her story, let me know.

Glamour is one of the most tantalizing and bewitching aspects of contemporary culture — but also one of the most elusive.

The aura of celebrity, the style of the fashion world, the vanity of the rich and beautiful, and the publicity-driven rites of cafe society are all imbued with its irresistible magnetism. But what exactly is glamour? Where does it come from? How old is it? And can anyone quite capture its magic?

-While glamour is exciting and magnetic, its promise is ultimately an illusion that can only ever be partially fulfilled.

-Stephen Gundy

Beauty

It seems like everyone chases it and wants it but doesn’t really understand it and it’s full being once it’s achieved since we’re all beautiful.

Beauty and Glamour is so temporary but no one seems to really realize it’s true nature and what happens when you become obsessesed with it.

Beauty is like a drug, it can be so damaging that you forget who you really are and get lost with what you think you are and what you’ve become..But you don’t want to stop because you’re afraid of what you’ll look like without cover up or eye liner or mascara, anything to cover up the real you in other words because of criticism..

No one understands what really lays behind a mask or an image, they see the outside and they fall in love with it without really understanding, or the feelings someone might really have behind a made up image..

I know because it’s something I struggle with from time to time, so I been there done that..and continue

There comes a point where you don’t feel confident in your own skin anymore but this made up image you’ve created..This alter ego, this new person. It’s like being split in between 2 completely different people without realizing it. Sometimes you won’t even question yourself and continue looking the way you like to because of how infatuated you become with the new image rather than the old and only the people closest to you will realize this.

We all hear “oh you know that that person looks like complete shit in person right?” all the time because of how different someone might look in person or just casual..or maybe they’re just wearing too much makeup? or too much hair spray in their hair?

Some people won’t even have this problem though and that’s awesome, if you can look 2 completely different ways and still act and be the same person than that’s great. You don’t have to continue reading if that’s the case lol.

But I guess you could say that’s why there’s trends and stereotypes, for people to choose what they like even if it’s not really them..It’s all about being your own person though, your own creation but remaining the same. It’s funny but it can be so consuming because you don’t feel any different you’re just doing what feels like innocent fun but you might have a different attitude going.

When I go out dressed like normal and have curly hair and wear a beanie and basketball shorts with a t-shirt I really could care less by how I look because I’m not going anywhere important since I’m just dressed casual and like myself. Plus I’m really comfortable so I don’t give a shit at all at that point lol. But when I go out somewhere with friends like a club or the strip or a party, I’m a new person.

I won’t go into detail because it’s just way too personal to talk about but it’s no longer really BRIAN, the casual Brian or Brian at all. It’s a new person, someone I made, this confidence comes out that I don’t really have much of when I’m just casual or like myself..It’s a feeling where you feel you’ve been waiting to do something and then do it and get happy. Afterwards it’s like, why couldn’t you just be happy or satisfied? Why do you feel the need to do so much?

The only reason I feel the need to describe all of this is because I don’t want people out there to get so infatuated with beauty and glamour without fully understanding what really goes on with your confidence and the games you play with your feelings and with yourself. The personalities you sometimes create can be quite harmful to yourself and others but you just have to remember to always stay true to yourself and understand who you are first.

People see models and think they’re gorgeous woman or men without realizing what they might of had to do to become that beautiful or to get to where they are in their career or worse, the filth they might of had to go through to continue to progress ahead..

No one really questions, they just see it and want it because it looks good and want to be it and sometimes, do it..Ever hear of those people that act different around certain people? People who don’t have a personality of their own because they want to be liked so bad that they try and become like everyone else so that people will like them? It’s kind of the same idea but you get what I’m getting at.

I guess what I’m really trying to say is that, beauty is so temporary for you to do damage by creating multiple personalties over. Just be careful as to getting lost in what you see and who you are when you look in the mirror..

If it weren’t for one person in particular I don’t think I would of ever noticed how I really felt about myself and where the root of my obsession with my image was coming from, because it runs deeper than cover up..

Quote Of The Day

“Beauty is like an hour glass, you put on your mask and the sand starts, once the night is over that mask comes down and you’re left however you were feeling about yourself previously. Be happy with who you are if you’re not.”

Tecopa, where I would go to isolate and just think..

Long Beach

Man…..2010, what can I say, another year of disappointment…I told myself I’d do so much more this year I told myself I wouldn’t let anything get in my way and what happens.I end up in the same situation I was in last year and barely moved one step ahead..Luckily I can at least give myself some kind of credit for at least trying to progress and do what I want and actually do more than I expected to be doing.I guess you can call me one of those people that appreciates what’s in front of me but feel I should be doing more with myself and am trying to do more with myself but just like allot of other things, some things take time to reach.

Always keep the smile

I’ve struggled with who I am this year more than anything, finding myself more learning more about myself and I know that starting August (the month I started going nuts) I was meant to be doing everything I was, I needed a really good breath of just new people and new experiences and just being a teen pretty much but now it’s time to really settle down and get my head right..Party’s and clubs and drinking is only fun until it begins to really catch up to you and then you find yourself drowning in drama and always stressed about shit and that’s when you know when to stop.

Love

I’m not going to complain and say this year was full on just shit even if I believe it was because I learned from so much I got more in touch with myself and with the help of some wise people I know I was able to see the entire picture not just fragments or just the pieces that were “real” from it.

Meow Meow kept me sane another year and we bonded more after I left the bad environment I was living in before August.I honestly don’t know what I’d do without Meow Meow

Merry Christmas Meow Meow-2010

It was definitely a journey this year and a wake up call and realization that everything that has happened in my life has really been happening for a reason so I honestly hands down can say I’m ready for 2011.I turn 20 in january and I can’t let next year go by and be stuck at where I’m at right now and then turn 21 and lose my mind about what I’m really going to do..

Alexis..

Alexis's B-day

Sometimes life doesn’t seem fair, you try and keep trying and realize you’re just going to keep falling on your face, not for the hell of it but because you have to learn to turn from what’s making you fall on your face and try variety and see what else is out there in the world that you can learn and grow from.You break up with people that you’ve been in long term relationships with because you no longer have anything to learn from or maybe you’re not as happy as you should be or maybe it’s not even about you but about them and what lesson ‘they’ need to learn, just my personal opinion. I’ve been single almost 3 years now and it sucks but i’m still pushing and i’m in no way ready to bring someone into my problems and struggles so it’s been best for me to be single and many people don’t look at their situations or struggles they’re in they just want someone to be there for them when they fall which is reasonable but in the end, you’re the only one left standing where you left off people are just a crutch..

I’ve met plenty amazing people I will definitely be keeping in touch with until next year and there’s people I will definitely cut off for good.I no longer care for just random strangers,I’m getting a day older everyday and realize how immature some people still are and how much they have to learn and refuse to learn because almost nobody wants to be told what to do since everyone wants to do things “their” way.I no longer care to help out as much as I use to or be as patient with douche bags like I was. I’ve never had so much drama in my life until I started giving strangers a chance which lets me know that my ways on how I was before being so open were fine as they were and I should of never gave some people even the time or day.

Club Das Bunker LA

Zach

I have big plans and I’m keeping my mouth shut about them this time and just slowly but surely going to reach my goals.When I do everyone who has ever doubted me will regret what they ever said and literally eat their own shit because we all know the saying that success is definitely the ultimate revenge.I’m not a vengeful person either, I just like to make sure whoever was ever in the wrong realizes what they did and said and feels stupid in the end for finally coming to terms with their own stupidity and ignorance of foul play and foul manners.I’d do anything for anybody and instead I just get slaps in the face so this time, I’m slapping back.

Featured on spark notes

Vanity Magazine UK

2010 might of made me feel sad and upset about how much I didn’t get to do like I wanted and I am really sad I feel lonely and beat up and not satisfied with myself but it’s my own fault for not trying as hard as I should but I as well let things happen the way they should and did.I love myself more than anyone and anything in this world and I’m going to continue to grow, I might of grown up too fast but I’m embracing it and I’ve felt much happier doing so because of they great communication with people I have nowadays.I’ve learned that age really is nothing but a number and that as long as you’re happy and can have an intellectual conversation, you’re fine.Some people might disagree and I know what they will disagree with me about but I understand completely where people come from when it comes to age I just have a broad way of looking at things.I wish everyone luck and hope everyone reaches their goals next year if they didn’t this year and I hope for the best

So before the years over, meet me

My names Brian Amador

Brian Is who I am and who I protect

Jameson is the half that completes me

Amador is the spanish definition for a male lover, which is what I am to the core of my being

I love hard

I love myself

I have respect

I have morals

I care for almost everyone

I try

I fight

I’m a hopeless romantic

I’ll live life to the fullest and not regret a single thing, just learn

I’m human and will never have to have some prop 8 or dadt proposal make me feel less of who I am or try to fit in because being human is already enough and I’m already equal to everyone it all comes down to the type of person you are and who will respect and accept you, that’s it..

Goodbye 2010

your memories will stay stuck like glue on paper

I learned more this year and I’m not going to complain just keep loving life as it comes.

I hope everyone does the same and just appreciates what they have.

I’m ready for what’s coming next and I’m excited whether it be bad or good.

Tomorrow’s a new day

Tomorrow things might change

I’m ready for 2011 and this time

I’ll try harder

-King Of Hearts

Andy

I just got back home from a quick trip to cali, tonight.

I must say, things definitely didn’t go the way I planned and it was a good thing.

I normally go out and take advantage of being in cali and hit up Hollywood within the same night I get there or the very next day.

This time around I actually got to meet my half brother that I haven’t seen since I was about 15 and got to see my half sister who I haven’t seen since I was about 17.Getting to meet them all grown up and being able to talk to them like a person and not like a little kid was really really different.

I got in contact with my half sister first, she texted me about 2 days before Christmas from my dad’s phone, I didn’t know that was even his new number or that he got a new phone or anything so I was a bit thrown off since the last time I talked to him was on my 18th birthday, the day he didn’t even show up and I’ve been very bitter towards him ever since. So she texts me and tells me that she’s 13 now and that my half brother is 16 and I’m just like wow by this time because they’re so grown and I have never really talked to them.

So I got the chance to meet them Monday and I find out my half brother is gay and looks almost identical to me, good genes definitely run in the family lol.

I’m not happy that my half brother’s gay but I’m glad that there’s someone I can relate to and talk to in the family that’s gay.So we went to the mall, took pictures he met my mom’s side of the family and loved them so overall it was definitely a great experience and very different for me. So if you’ve been getting adds from him then you know who he is and that he isn’t a random stranger

Normally I hate going to cali for quick trips like these but this one was definitely worth it and definitely let me know that sometimes you have to quit on the party’s and stay your ass home to really enjoy family and see how great it can be, to be around everyone this time of year.I plan on being back in cali sometime around February so since I didn’t get to see anyone this time I’ll definitely try and make up for it next year. =]

I’m going to try and get my brother to come out next summer so that everyone can meet him and he can join in on all the party’s and such in vegas.

Maybe this talking to them will bring me closer to my dad, I’m not sure because I tend to hold grudges but after the talk we had last night I think I knocked some sense into him to talking to me more. The fact kids get older doesn’t mean that they don’t need a father figure in their life anymore.Sometimes I wish him and I would talk more and do dad and son things because I know I’m fem and everything but my mom is like the worst person to talk to about my kind of situations, I definitely see why some people prefer their dads to talk to and to rely on because each parent is always different in their own ways and woman will be woman and men will be men so there’s things about both genders that strike you or leave you saying wtf.

I hope next year I get more in touch with my dads side of the family and my half brothers and sisters and such.

<3

Me,Mom,Andy

Quote of The Day

“Everything always happens for a reason and when it all happens unexpectedly and your plans mysteriously change completely and you find yourself doing something better than you planned, find the reason for why you were put in that situation and how it was greater than what you originally planned on doing to begin with.”